When I went to canvas today is when I heard that once again the vortex of violence that surrounds Trump ricochetted back around. The nazi running twitter posted why is no one trying to assassinate Biden/Harris. Had my first nasty direct one on one encounter canvassing but out of a 100 people not surprised knew would occur sooner or later. An entitled older white woman who is definitely looking to vote for the annihilator to stomp all over your rights in this upcoming election and onward. Besides that was pretty decent shift. Her look of a disbelief kind of anger painted on was memorable because I can't imagine living with that kind of rage and fear everyday. A paranoia that changes anything open, sincere, and humbling about you. Fervent. Vengeful. Self righteousness. Persistent. Aren't you just tired already? Isn't it exhausting? Yet it sustains them, keeps them going. Nourishes and saves them. Trump is not merely politics it's devout religion. The dissidents are all anxious at the altar once again of another election waiting for what will happen. 

I'm the only one who is more cautious besides another canvas coordinator I talked to a couple weeks back. Even if he loses some times it feels like in important ways he has won, something has shifted sharply and deeply in the last nine years. And even if Trump loses the problems run deeper. That this is his third election running, the 'it's going to be close' messaging, don't people see how much a problem there still is? There are tens of millions of people who don't believe he lost, who don't care about Jan. 6th, who will follow him off a cliff and push their family and friends off it as well just to have him be king. I remember when Biden was first elected there was an article asking 'Will this be the age of the Biden Republican?' because they were basing it off the old 'Reagan Democrat.' I never felt that and the politics of those time periods were not comparable. How much did someone get paid for that? Every political writer dreams to be the oracle. 

I wonder if I could know in advance would I want to, probably be tempting, at this point maybe. Was hoping to be in a physical state of not being reachable during the election night yet...circumstances you can't do anything about. The past few years plans past a month out feel like a cruel joke and dreams and hopes are things you keep their temperatures mild and tepid to not get carried away. That has been the big change in me that feels permanent. I don't think of the future as a given or guarantee, a reality to get attached to, to get rushed with excitement with. Art ideas are the one exception and some times even then I feel a disconnect and anxiety. Yet taking things day by day is its own death of a small and thousand dull cuts. 

We'll never make it out of this world alive, so what is there in the mean time.